Tantrums!

The Kids are having tantrums. The Grown Ups are having tantrums. 

WTF is going on!?

 So let’s start with an example, toddler tantrums and then we will go from there (clue: adult tantrums are basically the same thing). Basically both tantrums and the opposite, seen as clingy, shy, quiet, nervous behaviour, are both cries for help, or rather, cries for CONNECTION, LOVE, TRUST. 

 There is a lot going on at the moment in the world, and maybe a lot going on in their little worlds, perhaps with the arrival of a new baby in the house, or the change in routine as no more nursery or school and certainly no playdates. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to see more acting out, both from the little ones and the grown ups as everyone does their best to manage their emotions, their fears and stress. So what is going on?

 Well, tantrums are basically a desperate cry for a massive injection of love, play and connection - and when this is received it will reassure and calm. Think of us, and all little people, like walking LOVE bank accounts. When we feel it depleting, we feel more fear, more stress and more anger, and so we will use whatever limited tools we have in the box (arguments, tantrums, strops) to try to get more love in the bank account. When it comes to toddlers they are pretty non-verbal and even articulate kids could not express their emotions (heck most grown ups struggle with this!) and so they express this need either by getting all clingy or acting out, throwing their weight about, having a tantrum… 

 What to do? Everything you try doesn’t really work, right! 

 So, here it is. 

 Rather than try to ‘control’ their behaviour with bribes, rewards, guilt trips, shouting, anger, shame or (god forbid) smacking (this is abuse btw). Just know that NONE OF THIS WORKS. All it creates in the person on the receiving end, is a self-belief that they are bad and this in itself can take years and years to shake. We see people in therapy that go back to this childhood stage of their lives all the time and hear the awful things their grown ups said to them in the heat of the moment - usually because the grown up is actually just tired, or impatient or not full up nor content in themselves if truth be told - and it can take years to undo… so please no 'social controlling’…. 

 INSTEAD IT’S ABOUT CONNECTION. 

 In the midst of a full on nuclear fall out scale tantrum or just a mini strop, just come down onto your child’s (or whoever’s) level - which means for little ones, usually literally get down onto the floor and be with them (or encourage them up on to the sofa to be with you). Just be warm, and open hearted, smile at them, show them that you are there, 100% for all the right reasons, and that you are not trying to change anything. You will just be there and have their back anyway, letting them know by your calm presence that it’s all welcome and it’s all right. 

 So simple. Just sit near them, make sure they are safe, and won’t whack themselves on anything, then just be still and calm in yourself. Remember you are the dominant energy, and by calming yourself, truly, you can effect calm around you. Then maybe just put a reassuring hand gently on them, on their shoulder, or back or leg - give them a kind rub, and very lovingly just say, 

 “I am right here for you. I am right here with you. I see you are having big feelings at the moment and I am right here with you. It’s all right.” Then be quiet for a bit and just wait, calmly. Being with them for as long as it takes.

 The first few times you use this, it might take a while, but whene your child gets to know you really mean it, you are sticking around, it is ok, their demonstrations of expression in this way will become less frequent and less intense.

 Pretty soon the ‘tantrum’ will miraculously disappear. 100% this is MUCH QUICKER than if you try to control, warn, punish, threaten, reward, bribe, guilt trip (all the things we probably had done to us so these are usually the first things we are newly in charge will try - but don’t, they are rubbish techniques with far reaching consequences for our children’s self confidence and ability to self-regulate their own emotions …) 

 Showing up, being kind and calm and letting them know you are just there (you don’t even need to have solution or try to fix the problem, if say they are upset about something breaking for example, don’t problem solve)… just wait and literally you will see the ’tantrum’ or ’strop’ or ‘bad behaviour' in front of your eyes dissolving and that big emotion that was being expressed, has been seen, heard and witnessed and then can move through. 

 The MORE you (and all the grown ups in the space) can show up in this way, CALMLY, with COMPASSION, with PATIENCE, and just sit and be with them (toddlers, kids, teens, other adults who need support when the emotional rollercoaster is in full swing), with no need to ‘change what they are doing’ (as long as everyone is safe), then usually it just needs to run its course and all that built up stressful energy will then expel from ours bodies, and we find we all calm again. A similar thing happens with crying. Crying actually is a self-regulation tool and afterwards we all know that feeling of feeling much better.

 Basically what is happening - our whole world just turned upside down literally this is happening right now. Throw in other things, like a new baby in the family, no more play dates, no more school, etc. It’s a full on time for everyone but especially for little ones and children who can’t usually express how this stuff makes them feel. The world has just turned upside down, and as much as we shield our kids from stuff, they are literally soaking up all our stresses and worry, even if they are just in the house and no one is actually speaking about what is going on, they will feel it, they know, they soak it up. The uncertainty, the stress, and that will also be adding to freaking them out too.

 When we go into a stress response, it's a fight, flight (run) or freeze response, our body releases lots of adrenaline and cortisol into the blood, which goes to the big muscles in the arms and legs, to literally pump them up and ready them for fighting or running. Until those hormones are released, we struggle to calm down. So a toddler’s tantrum, flaying around on the floor, stamping their arms and legs about - that's all GOOD, as they are naturally using up the adrenaline and cortisol in their body, and thereby expelling it. Once they are done, they will be knackered, worn out, feel pretty exhausted and basically just need a big old cuddle and even more love and reassurance. 

 A good breathing technique to teach ourselves and our kids, to use to help with self-regulation, and also once they have actually calmed down, is the ‘blowing out the candles breath’.

 Here's how:

• hold up your hand and all 5 fingers

• tell the person you are helping to calm down that these are birthday candles and they have to blow each one out

• let them blow and blow and blow and then fold in your thumb - poof, that candle is blown out

• keep going slowly, until all 5 candles are blown out (fingers are folded in)

This will give them a) something to focus on (distraction), b) the MOST effective breath practice to regulate stress out of the body (encouraging very long exhalations) and help them find their own inner calm again. It’s a good breath for all, adults & children alike!! Something we can teach our kids and they can have this as a life skill to help them manage their own emotional fluctuations. 

 And be sure for the whole tantrum, strop or demonstration of ‘bad behaviour’ that you do not leave them on their own, do not put them on the naughty step or separate them away from everyone. This only leaves them feeling utterly abandoned, shamed and not understood (disconnection) and kids and toddlers simply do not have the tools to mend that bridge with their grown ups. 

 Remember, it is all about loving CONNECTION, never control. This is how to effectively and quickly remedy ‘tantruming’ or ‘bad behaviours' and BUILD a relationship of safety and trust and love for our little ones, kids and teens and their grown ups. In fact, once we start seeing it through this lens, seeing how out at sea someone is when their emotions are so big and so uncontrollable, it really helps us understand that there is no such thing as a bad behaviour, it is really just a deep, deep cry for help, for love and connection.

 Sending you all a massive dose of patience, calm, love, connection and rest. Remember grown ups, you need all this too, so fill up your cup so you can hold space for your little ones with all that love and calm too and reap the rewards of seeing tantrums disappearing from your household for good and in its place and deep relationship of trust and love.

 GOOD LUCK,

Much love

Clare