Our sleepless nights and what happened next...
Have you ever been so tired you left the front door wide open? Put a mug of coffee in the fridge? Fell asleep standing up in a bar on a rare night out at 9pm? Have to eat constantly because you were so tired you could no longer distinguish whether you were hungry or just tired.
Before becoming a parent, I knew I hated being tired. Feeling frustrated that I wasn’t firing on all cylinders at work after a good night out, I would always question whether it was worth it (usually not!). I used to lie in until 10am every Saturday and Sunday and this was after being in bed by midnight because frankly my bed was better than anywhere else. I knew that when you had a baby sleep would become somewhat disrupted but I figured I would find a way and babies like to sleep anyway right? It’s only when they are first born that it’s a bit tricky and I would have help in the form of my fabulous husband.
When my first baby was born and we had those disrupted nights sleep in the newborn days - I coped surprisingly well. He generally woke, had some milk, had a good winding and then went back down. There were times where he only really settled in my arms and a few times when I was surprised to find myself wake with him on my chest as I lay in my bed. At around 8 weeks old he started sleeping pretty much through the night most nights and I was delighted. I knew this was nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and his nature. He obviously loved sleep as much as his Mum. I confess the times we did have a tricky night it felt awful because I was not used to waking. We had a few dodgy nights around 4 months when I considered giving him solids (thankfully a wiser friend suggested I do a bit of research about this first and I decided to wait until 6 months which was the right thing for us) and around the 12 month mark we had some noticeably disturbed sleep where he couldn’t settle without having me close by so we bought him back into our room for 2 weeks until it passed (which it did, quickly followed by his learning to walk).
I still felt tired a lot! Looking back I was low on iron and suffering with PND so it is no wonder I had no energy but I could’t blame a lack of sleep on my little one - he was a unicorn baby - an amazing sleeper.
By the time my second came along I knew how lucky I had been, some of my friends had never had an uninterrupted night since their little ones had come along 2 years previously. I also knew that as I was planning on breastfeeding this time, waking in the early days was going to be more frequent because of their tiny tummies. I got a co-sleeper crib and was ready to embrace whatever came our way. Initially we did ok, actually my newborn was quick to soothe back to sleep and once I mastered side-lying feeding I thought I had it made.
Oddly enough my eldest started waking frequently, perhaps welcoming his little sister and knowing she was in my bed with me was a bit too much for even this lover of snoozing. My husband did a great job of crawling into bed with him (we got rid of the cotbed in favour of a proper single very quickly) and hugging him back to sleep and pretty soon we would often all find ourselves in what had somehow become a family bed. Despite the arm cramp and the fear of moving (ninjas have nothing on a Mum trying to unlatch and roll away) I generally loved that we were all together and actually sleeping.
We then got to around 8 months and I was very used to broken night’s sleep but coping pretty well and also feeling certain that the wakings would start to decrease and some full nights of going through the whole night were around the corner. However 9 months came and if anything things seemed to be getting worse. Whereas I had been able to put my daughter down at bedtime and get a few hours to myself this seemed to no longer be possible. I had to choose between spending my evenings trying to get her to sleep and then trying to get away which would take hours or bring her downstairs and forget bedtime altogether until she finally fell asleep whilst feeding around 9.30pm.
I hadn’t realised how much I had needed those few hours. I very quickly started to feel overwhelmed and very touched out and the tiredness during the day became unbearable. I was then struck with what felt like cold after cold, my body was not coping and my mental health started to decline. Having experienced Postnatal Depression with my first I very quickly sought out support and was given some CBT by a brilliant practitioner, this really did help but I was still so tired. As we were coming up to her first birthday it felt as though I would never have a normal nights sleep again. I had always parented responsively and followed my instincts but maybe I was to blame for the situation.
When some friend’s mentioned they had employed a sleep trainer and within a few days their little one was going through the night it sounded too good to be true. My first question was “does she make you leave them to cry?” and the answer was no. Great I gave her a call and was reassured that her methods were very gentle and actually she had some research that showed leaving a baby to cry was harmless anyway. I knew that didn’t sit right with me but frankly I was too tired and desperate to argue.
She talked me through a step by step schedule of when I should be putting her down for naps and when I should begin the all important “bedtime routine”, something which we had fallen into naturally with my eldest but hadn’t quite taken shape with my youngest. She also said I didn’t need to be feeding quite so much, solids would be doing the trick and I absolutely must break the association of feeding to sleep. I went from feeding around the clock to just twice during the daytime at the approved hours. This was not good advice, my hormones (and my boobs) went nuts!
Something she said which I found very helpful was “you have got to believe that your daughter can sleep by herself”. I realised I absolutely didn’t, I was very attached to the story that she needed me to go to sleep and wanted me close by. I decided I was ready to let go of that story and start to believe that she would be ok and happy learning to sleep in a new way.
After a few nights of my husband following the routine to the letter and sitting by the new cot in the formerly unused nursery not making eye contact whilst she cried on and off, doing minimal sshhhshing she happily settled independently to sleep by herself. There was no “leaving them” to cry technically but I’m not sure having a parent suddenly look like a robot is very comforting. I now know she is what Lyndsey Hookway refers to as a “responder” (thank goodness). The naps were of course trickier but on the whole we did ok. When she woke in the night I resisted every urge to rush in and sweep her up in my arms and after a few minutes it did appear she had gone back to sleep. My daughter was a total champ. I on the other hand, was not doing so great.
I expect crazy hormones due to very sudden lack of feeding as well as going against my very strong instincts combined with the “First Birthday Party” pressure got to me. Instead of being overjoyed with getting some more sleep I felt tearful and miserable. After turning to the wisdom of Facebook and receiving some kind and well timed words of support I started to see it all a bit more clearly.
Although from the outside I had wanted more sleep and to get my evenings back and the sleep training had resulted in this, what I had actually needed is support and reassurance and a fresh perspective. Telling a parent to go against their instincts and telling them they will have wasted their time if they “give in” is uncomfortable on every level. Stopping feeding suddenly (without good reason) is not only poor advice for a mother’s body (hello mastitis), hormones and mental health but I expect its not great for a little one as they navigate other changes too. Dropping one feed at a time slowly is a lot kinder all round. I wasn’t asked what I was doing in terms of self-care (nothing), what changes we had tried to make already, (none - maybe a bedtime routine was all we needed?) what was important to me (responsive parenting and breastfeeding). Instead I felt as though my choices had caused problems and so I should change everything in order to fix them.
As soon as my daughter was ill (about 3 weeks after the sleep training) and started waking frequently again (illness does that), with a clearer head and feeling a bit happier about our new bedtime I made some choices about what to keep and what to ditch. I went back to feeding when it suited us and feeding to sleep when I did bedtime. I instantly felt a bit better (thank you Oxytocin!). I also would bring her into our bed when she woke at 5 am instead of getting up so I could doze and boob and get an extra hour.
The bedtime routine worked well for us but we dropped the every night bath in favour of a couple of times a week. I also went back to doing naps in the car seat, pushchair or carrier whilst out and about and living our lives instead of having to be at home for scheduled naps. Around this time I started to take care of myself realising I needed to prioritise my wellbeing too. This meant that when we did have a tricky night and day I was better able to cope. I also embraced PJ days when plans got cancelled so we could take it easy. I was fortunate that I didn’t have a job to juggle at this stage so I was able to make these choices. I know others who absolutely need a routine and stricter boundaries in order to function.
When I stopped breast-feeding and she went through phases of separation anxiety my husband or I would sit and hold her hand or stroking her head until she want to sleep realising this was the quickest and most calming way to induce sleep. I also discovered kids bedtime meditations which worked brilliantly and allowed me to slip away a little bit earlier each night. I still stroke her head to help her drift off now. Are there times I wish I could kiss her good night and shut the door like my son is happy for me to do? Sure sometimes. But she is my final baby and watching her go to sleep feels like one heck of a privilege and I am in no rush to stop doing it.
I would never judge someone for sleep training their baby, it would be pretty hypocritical of me, for some people it works really well. But from my experience a lot of people would prefer not to. Even more really need to find new ways to support themselves and their families. I really wish I had known about Lyndsey Hookway and the truly gentler alternatives available. I also wish I had received genuine support and encouragement rather than being told I had been doing it wrong and needed to change.
This is why I am passionate about offering Holistic Sleep Support for those people. It is early days but I have been delighted with the response, seeing families coming closer together and looking at all their needs - not just a one size fits all approach. From the feedback I have received it is clear this work is needed and the more people find out about how to be a responsive parent and get some decent sleep - the better!
By Clair McGill - LushTums Bristol and LushTums Business Development Director